Here is a post from my wife about how our 5yr old is handling the changes in our adoption.

When we first began this process of adoption, we knew it wasn’t just a calling for Josh & I. We prayed that God would give us, Josh, me, & the boys, the strength to get through this. We all are in this together. We tell the boys as much as we are told, as much of what is going on that we think they can understand.

The past couple of days have been a little confusing for the boys. Tanner (3yrs)  just keeps asking “Who coming? Just Nya? Just Little J?”. I don’t think he fully understands the concept of any of this quite yet. He just sees pictures and has always been told “those are your sisters” so to him those little girls are his sisters. Braden (5yrs) on the other hand is quite smart in his young age, and understands a little more than I would like him too, I think. When I told him the other day what was happening, he simply said “Momma, it’s ok. At least we can still go get Nya.”

As time goes on, I kept hearing him tell Tanner “Tanno, Little J’s daddy came to take her away. She can’t come here anymore, but it’s ok, we can still have Nya.” As he’s been saying this more and more, I’ve come to realize, I think it’s more about him telling himself this is all going to be ok so he keeps saying it over and over again aloud.

Last night a different side came out that made my heart hurt a little. As we were getting ready to pray before bed, I asked Braden what he wanted to pray for. He said “For family and for Nya.” I said “Don’t you want to pray for Little J still?” He turned a little angry and said “We don’t need to pray for her. She’s not in our family anymore.” I tried to talk through it a little with him, but he wasn’t budging so we continued on with our prayer. As we walked through the kitchen he grabbed a pencil and went to the fridge where a picture hangs that he had drawn of our “whole family”, all 6 of us. He said “I’m erasing Little J. She’s not in our family anymore!” This Momma couldn’t hold the tears back anymore & I asked him to please not do that. He stomped up the stairs into his room and crawled into bed.

I tucked Tanner into bed and went in to Braden’s room. I asked him if he was ok. He said yes. I asked him “Braden, if something happened to Tanner and he wasn’t with us anymore, would you still love him? Would you still say he was your brother? Would you still say he was in our family?” He said yes. I said “Do you still love Little J? Do you still say Little J is your sister?” He was quiet for a minute then looked up at me with tears running down his face and said “Momma, she was suppose to be here. She was suppose to be in our family. You were suppose to go get her.” I explained to him that what we want isn’t always what God wants for us. I told him it was ok to be angry, to be sad, to cry ( I still am, and will for a while) I told him we needed to pray for Little J, and that no matter what we will still love her, and she will always be a part of our family, and that if it was God’s will for her to be with us, He’ll make it happen. He shook his head and said to me “I’m still gonna erase her from the picture.” I said that was ok if he had to do that. He said “but I’m gonna draw all our hearts and put Little J in them so she’ll always be in our hearts.”
These are lessons we are grateful we can walk our children through at such a young age; learning God’s will, understanding we don’t always get what we want, but God’s will is perfect, hardships and trials will come in life, but we cling to Jesus in the midst of them, and so many more.

Please be praying for the boys as they try to process all this at their young ages. That God will give us all the strength to endure this heartache…..

This post will be somewhat of a personal diatribe with much rambling about my adoption.

As many of you know my wife and I have been in the process of adopting 2 girls from Africa for 2 1/2 years now. We were matched with our two little princesses this past October and December. The younger one who is now 5 months old, who we will call Nya, and the older one who is 2 1/2 yrs, who we will call Little-J. It has been a great joy to be able to hear about their stories, what little they know. Just to see pictures has made it so much more real.

As a family we have been buying stuff for both of the little ones, getting stuff for their room. Yesterday my wife and I went to get our shots so we could travel to Africa. Things have finally been moving along, it seems like we can see the end in sight. Last we heard from our agency, a couple weeks ago, was that we could expect to travel in March or April to pick both of our little ones up. To say we are excited would be an understatement. If you have adopted, you understand. If not, I don’t really know what to liken it to. It is different than waiting 9 months to have a baby, it is different than going on a trip; really it is different than anything else in the world.

Throughout this whole journey of adoption we have had highs and lows. Highs of getting pictures, names, ages. Lows of waiting, wondering and not knowing. All along God has used this to refine us, grow us and to bring us to a deeper dependence upon Him. We have learned more than ever the dire need for the community of believers. For prayer, encouragement and loving support.

Today was just another normal day. I went to study, write and plan. Anna and the boys did school, cleaning and other fun house stuff. A little bit after I came home from work , my wife received a phone call from our adoption agency. Now a phone call from the adoption agency only really goes one of two ways; good or bad.  This one went bad. So as to not write a book the gist of the call was that the 2 1/2 yr old, Little-J’s, bio-father had come back into the picture. He wanted to take her back and raise her on his own. Which would mean the little girl whose face fills my background on my mac and droid would no longer be my little girl.

My emotions were stirred, mixed up and thrown together like a tossed salad. Part of me was happy that her biological father was making an effort to raise her. He was willing to get test done, go to court, all of this to fight for his little girl. The other part of me was sad, because this little girl was mine, (even as I type these words, my eyes fill with tears).

See I am fine with God’s will. My heart is at peace with it. My theology of God’s sovereignty is firm.  Even though I know the truth, that does not make it any less real the love that was extended to little-J. Amidst the whole thing the why  is what always baffles me. I understand that I merely see a small portion of life, and God sees it all. But that is my struggle. That is my sin, I want to see it all. I want to know what God knows, the reasons behind the things He does. I am fine with His will, I just want to know why His will is the way it is. That is where my frustration lies. I am not much different than Adam. He wanted the fruit so he could be like God, I want to know things God has not chosen to show me.

So now what you ask. Well we are still moving forward with little Nya’s adoption. We hope to go pick her up in the next couple months. We are not closing the door on little-J, and she will always have a place in our hearts. If for some reason it does not work out for her father to take her back, then we will re-start the process on her. We are trusting God, knowing nothing is out of His will. Yet, also knowing that his ways are not ours, and that truth I am grateful for. The reason I am grateful is because God knows better than me. He is perfect, I am not. He loves my little one more than I ever could, He will care for her more than I could, He will provide her needs more than I could dream of. Even though I know these things, it does not ease the pain in having to follow God’s will.

It has been a though day, but the God we serve is tougher. Our hearts are broken, but our God was broken so we could be loved and accepted. We are shedding tears for our little girl, but Jesus wept for each of us. We are sad no doubt, but we are not sad as if our hope has been lost, our joy has been stolen, our passion has been squelched, because all of those things rest upon the shoulders of the one who set His face to the cross for us.

We are…Thankful that you are listening, thankful for your prayers, thankful for Jesus! Thankful for my girls, even if I will only ever be able to hold one of them this side of heaven.

**I wrote this because I truly feel this adoption is about more than just us. It is also my way of thinking through it.